Weight Problem

I'm a little nervous about starting my first real blog! But I want to chonicle my attempt and hopeful success at the significant amount of weight I am trying to lose.

Guess I should start from the beginning, which is having a weight problem.

I was never the thinnest of kids. In fact, I always thought of myself as fatter than most of the kids around. I read recently that obesity isn't genetic. But we definitely learn our eating habits by how our family eats. Ah, another thing I can blame on Jim! Just kidding. But he was a big eater. Basically, I never really thought too much about what I ate. I remember one night, when I was about 15, we were having pizza for dinner. My mom told me I could only have two pieces. I was upset. Why, all of a sudden, did she care how much pizza I had? I would have normally eaten 3 or 4 pieces. I'm sure she was coming from a caring place.

When I was in 11th grade, I was a junior's size 5, sometimes even a size 3 if I really squeezed - like lay on the bed and suck it in. I wish I was as "fat" as I thought I was then. Even being that small, I was fatter than a lot of girls my age. I ate a lot of fast food, since we were always on the go - driving around town doing a lot of nothing, as teenagers tend to do. My first year of college, I gained the typical freshman 10-15. What do they put in the food at the cafeteria that makes us so fat? Gross. I gained more about another 10 lbs at a low point in my life when I was about 23 and living in San Jose and being forced to work 80+ hours per week. I remember a particular photo during that time that I recall with disgust, "I am SO fat! But, wow, my hair looks great." I was fat. My thighs bulged. I lost some weight after quitting that job and moving home. Between, 23 and 28, I went up and down within about 15 lbs. The higher weight didn't seem to look as bad at age 27 as it did at 23. I went from size 10 to 12 to 14, then back to 10, then 12… I jumped around without much notice.

At age 27 or 28 I decided to go vegetarian. My step-sister, who was a veggie at that time, had a theory that if you eat fat - animal fat - then you will be fat. She made a good point. But that's not the reason I stopped eating meat. I was cutting a piece of chicken one day and got grossed out at the fact that I was cutting through a ligament. It just hit me that I was eating muscle, and ligaments, and blood vessels. I stayed a fish- and dairy-eating veggie for a year and a half. I naturally lost weight gradually, and before I knew it, I was a size 10, then a comfortable size 8. I didn't count calories or portion control; I ate as much as I wanted. I loved my clothes and how I looked in them. I was a size 8, but was constantly trying to lose 5 lbs. and get into a size 6, since I was still larger than most of my friends. How are some of you girls made to be so naturally thin?!

After going back to eating meat, which started with a bite of my then-boyfriend's steak, I started gradually gaining weight. Instead of cooking my typical rice, black beans, salad, and occasional fish, I was eating out often. Rich, savory sauce-smothered food. Yum! I became a "foodie". The weight crept up. I cried and stomped around (a.k.a. had a tantrum) one day when my size 10's were getting too tight. Soon I was a 12. I stayed there awhile, then hit 14. Went back to a 10 while on a heartbreak diet (the most effective type for me!) and dealing with my grandpa's death. Then started going back up from there. I stayed in a size 12 or 14... until I moved to Washington to be with Jamie. I don't know if it was the lack of movement after being laid off and spending most of my time in the house, or my body adjusting to the cold weather, like a whale with a layer of blubber to keep me warm! Or if it was just continuing to eat what I'd been eating, and steadily gaining from that. But not even my own wedding was enough of a motivator to get me to do something about my weight. On my wedding day I think I was heavier than I'd ever been. When we moved back to San Diego in Feb '09, I was moving toward a 16. End of last year, the 16's started getting tight.

I'm a fat lady now. I feel like shit. I sometimes feel attractive, when I look at myself after doing my hair and make-up in the bathroom mirror. Then I see a full body view. It's depressing. I can't stand the sight of myself naked. Jamie still tells me I'm beautiful, but I don't believe him. :)~

I've finally made weight loss an obsession and I'm determined. I lost 14 lbs. in 4 weeks. But I've gained 5 back, which I'll write more about soon.

My goal is to get back into my size 8 clothes, with an ultimate goal of being a size 6, which is very lean for me.

I'd love for you to follow my progress!